Answers Coming Up and Silver Linings

 Hi friends and family!  

Since our last post, we have been on a rollercoaster of emotions and trying to digest this news and all the still unknowns. and prepare our world as much as possible for anything that can happen. 

We have a big week coming up....a WEEK OF ANSWERS: 

4/16: Pet Scan at 5:45am - we'll learn where the cancer is and let's pray that is just isolated to my hip. 

4/17: Review Pet Scan and Treatment Plan with Dr. Kritz (oncologist) at 1:00pm

4/21: (well that's the following week) Brain MRI at 2pm (that is the only scan I feel claustrophobic...that machine is literally inches away from your face and your head is strapped down - so valium IV for me and thank you Laurie in advance for taking me since driving on valium is not allowed haha!)  

Here's what I wonder in my dream world..can I just go ahead and get a hip replacement? Wouldn't that remove the cancer and give me a hip where cancer won't attach to?  It sounds like a simple plan to me. Right? I bet I would feel alot better, too....because I have pain in my hips and have for awhile. I've said to Chuck 100 times as a joke when I get up out of a chair  "Ugghhh...I need a hip replacement - crap I'm getting old!"  I'm going to ask the question! I'll report back to you. I realize this is a ridiculous long shot, but what I have learned...if you don't ask, you won't know. 

I'm now a member of a private/closed support group for metastatic breast cancer on Facebook. 10K members, and SO MANY POSITIVE STORIES OF A LONG LIFE!!! It's very encouraging to me to read the stories of these women that have the same "type" of bone mets that I do. I am estrogen-positive so there more treatment options in the oncologists arsenal for me than those that are estrogen-negative. That is encouraging!  See...another silver lining! 

Silver linings are popping up all the time, and it really started first with us as a couple. We are stronger than ever before and strong doesn't mean rah-rah-rah all the time. "Strong" can mean crying together, too, just hugging each other and we've sure done a lot of that. Even our sweet crazy dog Henry who used to get very upset if Chuck hugged me is now finally accepting it's going to happen and chills out about it. It's a miracle....if you know Henry and how attached he is to me, you know what I mean. 

Earlier I posted a photo of Justin winning the American Ultimate Frisbee National Championship as a way of saying WE WILL WINNNNNN rah-rah-rah!! We are trying to be positive and upbeat - that is our natural way after all. We don't always feel that way right now. We naturally feel worried, hopeful, pissed off, scared, deep love, and deep sadness all at the same time. The emotions have been all over the place, but we are trying to just let them happen and surround ourselves with those that help us walk this walk, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. 

15 years ago when going through my primary breast cancer, I did not cry one single time. I never thought I would die, I never thought I was in real trouble even though it was a little complex from the get-go. In fact, I use to say to my oncologist and breast health navigator all the time "I have tiny baby cancer - it's not real cancer".  They did NOT like that I would say that, but that's how I felt. Once they purposely brought me into an appointment to remind me I had real cancer. I was 45 and just knew I would be fine and I saw women all the the time that had "major" cancer and in a much worse situation than me. That's when my survivors-guilt started that I have had for 15 years. It started during my primary cancer and I really struggled with that guilt all this time - why was I doing great while friends of mine died of the disease, especially those with young children? It made no sense to me.  

I'm rambling into many thoughts, but that's how we roll these days....our minds are racing and we are trying to quieten the noise of anything negative. I think I'm making up for crying that I didn't do 15 years ago now because I have really been unable to stop the crying. I go to the mirror sometimes and say to myself to 'stop it' because I am still working and cannot get through the work I need to do while crying.  I cannot talk to people that are important to me and cry - I don't want to upset them. So....I battle in my mind - I realize it's healthy to cry, but I also just cannot do that on a whim all the time. 

I have a social worker now at my cancer center. She's been very helpful. My entire body is vibrating on the inside and she explained to me that is trauma. I've never experienced this even though I've been through some sh_ _ in my life.. Even as I type this blog, I am shaking like constant vibration on the inside. I pray this goes away. She also said I am eligible for SSI Disability right now. Wow. We are considering all possibilities but don't know yet where we will end up with this until we have ANSWERS WEEK next week. She's been counseling me on letting go of what I cannot control - medical stuff and emotional stuff. 

Chuck and both figure we talked to about 114 people in person or on the phone over a 3 day period last week. We are so incredibly fortunate to have so people in our life that are faith-based, supportive and check in on us frequently. This blog helps us to get the information out so we can just get right to the good stuff with our friends and family and they are updated on all the happenings. 

We have many shoulders we have cried on and many close friends and family we have laughed with. Let me share with you two highlights: 1). My Uncle Warren can pray like no one you have ever heard. He sounds just like the perfect mix of my grandparents (Mama and Grandaddy Dean) who prayed and believed in a big way. Like my Dad, Jack Dean...Warren was also in the radio business and has that radio-voice. Many of you know, my Dad passed away when he was 26 years old, I was a baby. I love Warren, he loves me....his prayers and words of wisdom are so helpful and it feels like I'm also getting a lot of my Dad through him. That is amazing grace. Another silver lining. 2). Sylvia Henderson (Justin's Obie) calls me every single day to check in on my emotional and mental health. I call her my Like-Mom. She's also a social worker, oracle, confidant, and the one you want to talk to get life advice from and the one that is wise. I love her. She is great about giving me advice on handling hard talks and hard things. I follow her advice and she reminds me...it may not work, but it can work and some things are worth trying. She's always right.

This news is hard on our family and friends and we realize that and it's hard to tell people for that reason....because it's hard on you- but, it was necessary that we made those phone calls before going public. We only ask that you talk to us about what you are feeling...it is really important to both us that you don't feel you have to rah-rah-rah for us all the time, that you share with us what your deeper thoughts are. It helps us to have meaningful conversations, to feel bonded- it is positive and strengthening for us. 

Everyone handles news like this in their own way, even in ways that are sometimes unfathomable and we certainly have experienced some downsides and silence/say nothing for sure. No lie....that is hard and hurtful. 

This is a good place for some info and advice on the first year of MBC (Metastatic Breast Cancer)....and the silver lining of this is - YES! There can be several years of living with MBC!  

https://www.breastcancer.org/types/metastatic/life-with-metastatic/advice-for-newly-diagnosed

THANK YOU! We just cannot say it enough to those of you that have reached out, sent encouraging texts to us both, prayed, sent good thoughts, sent meals, flowers, smiles, showed up at the door, and especially those that have talked with us and talked through it with us. Much love, much gratefulness to you all.  You are what brings the light and rays of sunshine! 

The silver lining of MBC is that it will make you more grateful, it should erase past grievances, it should be a fresh start in relationships and a bonding of strength to fight the good fight. 

Love, Jill and Chuck